JULIE KEDZIE explains "eat a dick" in her own special way. Also - Ricky Kottenstette: Greg Jackson's right-hand man

JULIE KEDZIE explains “eat a dick” in her own special way Ricky Kottenstette: Greg Jackson’s right-hand man

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Incriments of Five

Bless me Internet, for I have (sinned). It has been 25 months since my last update.

Usually it would be five months between updates, but five times five is ... 25!

Talk to you in five.

The Ron Show, Featuring Joe & Ted: Mundane Family Entertainment

Well, it was supposed to be five months between posts the last time and I was a little early. So here is your five-month post, right on schedule!!! Five months and eight days later, you finally have what you have thirsted for.

Exciting.

So I looked at this blog today and I could see the dates of the last three posts, the third of which was October 15, 2005. Then I realized it was no shock at all that I have posted just twice since then.

Four days after that post, my healthy (thank you, Jesus) triplets were born. Then 19 days thereafter, my parents got into a horrific car accident that left my father very, very banged up and cost my mother her life.

The ensuing adjustment to life as a father, let alone a father of three, let alone a father of three infants at the same time, would have been more than enough for me to handle. But losing my mom and nearly my dad less than three weeks later just sent my already spinning world spinning 30 times faster.

Somehow, someway, we got through it. There were many tough nights, more tough days, tons of tears shed, and a lot of family, friends and strangers stepping up with selfless acts that helped. And prayers work, too.

So here I am, 15 months later, still fat and not keeping enough watch of what I am eating and barely keeping alive this blog. Fortunately, things seem to be under control now and moving along, especially with the kids, who are truly amazing.

Sorry this is not going to be a love-in blog with tons of things about the kiddies mixed in, like Dooce. Instead, let me change gears for a second and talk about something new, a great project that Ted and I are working on right now.

Since I have proven to be such a responsible blogger, I have now decided to take it to the next step and sart a podcast.

"The Ron Show, Featuring Joe & Ted: Mundane Family Entertainment" is the name of our effort. We have had a lot of fun putting together the first five shows (to date). Episode Six will be recorded Wednesday night at 10 p.m. EDT, and we're keeping that weekly production schedule for the foreseeable future.

Right now we're still figuring out the details of how to make it a quality-sounding podcast and get it out there in distribution so people can subscribe and listen. We're also working on the technical quality, so if you have any tips, please share.

Right now we're basically recording our video chats on Skype in four segements around 15 minute apiece and calling them a show or episode.

If you want to be part of the show, get in touch with Ted or with me, and we'll arrange to have you on. The easiest way is to download Skype, and have us add you on a chat. The other way, right now, is to have Ted call you during the show and doing it over the phone. I prefer adding show guests to a conference on Skype, because the quality is better.

All of this will evolve.

If you do join us through Skype, you need not worry about having to be seen on your webcam. Right now the technology only allows two people to do a video chat, and once the third person and additional people (up to nine, total) join in, it switches to audio only.

Those who join us on the show should note that they are responsible for their own comments, same as they would be if they were on any radio show. This stuff is out there on the Web for people to hear.

If I find this blog useful to compliment the podcast, then you'll be directed here and seeing more posts, pictures, etc. If not, and we find a site for the show, then you'll be re-directed or directed there.

Bonus Post!

Well, it was supposed to be five months from post to post, but instead you had to wait just under four months!

IFL rules!

C-Food

The Chinese food container out of which I just ate my day-old brown rice is round at the bottom but square on top.

Talk again in five months.

Food, Glorious Food

I think this is tough to do, since I went the whole day without writing down or noting what I ate. And now it's tomorrow, and I am thinking how I want to hike after all this rain and see how the waterfalls are doing in the backwoods.

Breakfast - English muffin with Alpine Lace swiss and Thuman's turkey breast, toasted. Boy, if you have neither discovered nor rediscovered the english muffin, it is time to do so. Carb diets be damned.

Lunch - Ultra-lean chicken breast halves (about one breast) with half an onion and some peas and carrots.

In Between - A pear and an apple.

Dinner(s) - The other half of lunch, plus the rest of Debbie's shrimp scampi (one shrimp, 1/2 cup spaghetti).

After dinner - Tradition peanuts while watching The Aviator (three stars), and then I blew it with half-a-bag of cheese doodles that I was supposed to put away after she was done with a quick snack.

I feel like I might have missed something in there. I have to take better care to not only do this, but also do something about the fact that I am turning into the blog version of Super-Size Me. Fuh-huuuck.

I had my traditional Dunkin' Donuts large french vanilla decaf with skim, very light somewhere in all of this, and vacuumed out the continuing trickles of water into the basement five times, as well. Also, picked up a whole bunch of baby-prep crap and some prescriptions at CVS.

I am fat.

No More Special Day

Dinner was the other half of Deb's hamburger from lunch, replete with lettuce and tomato. It was a very thick and good burger. Tacked on some salad with a can of tuna (albacore in water). Topped it with oil @ vinegar, salt & peppa.

The customary peanuts followed during Survivor (goodbye Golden Boy Blake), and I had a single peanut M&M (red). Treated myself to another chocolate donut (with the freezer treatment, yum-yum).

God, I eat a lot. But if I was working out, like at all, I probably would be dropping weight. I guess right now I am leaving room to dream. I really want to hike and check out the waterfalls now that there has been flooding and just a lot of rain. It must be breathtaking.

Time to retire to the upstairs, first grabbing the sheets outta the dryer, grabbing the Bendryl pills, taking another Aleve, and checking the basement for more water, in preparation for putting lotion on my bride, as we begin the next nine years of our blissful marriage. This nine years will be featuring triplets, though. And at the end of them, I'll be like 45 or something. I hope I am in better shape then than I am now. I have plenty of time to get there.

Keep thinking about Vanishing James, and how tough his day must have been, and hoping he feels like tomorrow will be better.

Fat Thurdsay?

Yeah, it's turning out to be Fat Thursday, one of those so called "exception" days where you just eat whatever the hell you want because it's your ninth wedding anniversary. Except I am not also feeding three kids with what I am eating.

So ... we agreed to a double non-exchange of gifts, considering she could not get anywhere outside of the Internet and did not much feel up to trying to order something. I had to agree to the plan, and I did.

This morning it was a pancake breakfast, which is a treat, since I cook them pretty well. She had her share and I had mine, and then I finished off the three eggs that were left in the package, seemingly for no other reasons than I wanted to get rid of the package. But I responsibly(?) placed a slice of Alpine Lace swiss cheese on there. I also responsibly eschewed (GodBlessYou) the english muffin.

Late lunch was a driveby to the pancake house, and I brought back a garden burger, fruit and cottage cheese. Damn, that garden burger was good, and it had been such a long time, for some reason, since I had one.

More important stuff today - it was a year ago that I got a very early morning call from VanishingJames, who broke the God-awful news that he lost his sister. I thought, "Wow, this is a nice touch - getting a call this early on my anniversary. How did he remember?"

Instead, my buddy was beginning a suffering that will last a lifetime. I know he has some good days now, 365 days later, but there are still a lot of rough patches. It will be a long while (and maybe the time will never come) before he will go a day without thinking of her. But somehow time makes things a little bit better. I am sure he is a lot better with it today than he was a year ago, 11 months ago, or six months ago.

Sorry for the downer, but it's just the reality of things. OK, time to go clean the mini-flood out of the basement.

PITA

OK, this was a PITA - pain in the ass. But it had to be done, so my pregnant wife suffers, literally itching for me to come upstairs and apply lotion to her body.

Made it from lunch to dinner without eating, but I went to ShopRite and it seemed to work out well. Stocked up on a lot of stuff.

For dinner, had a spicy tuna roll and spicy salmon roll, then a double-english muffin (those things are really awesome) toasted with a small covering Alpine Lace Swiss and Thuman's turkey breast. Very nice.

Followed with green grapes and the customary peanuts and then treated myself to a late-night chocolate donut. Thanks Entenmenn's.

Time to sleep, wake up and do it again. Happy anniversary to us. Nine years, since we passed midnight.

Wow. Nine years and no kids. Pretty soon we'll catch up, all in one shot. Three-run homer. Nice. Earl Weaver Baseball.

Apple

Apple is the name of Gwyneth Paltrow's kid and what I had between lunch and this posting. I also just ate a little BabyBell cheese wheel - the light kind.

So there.

adding...

Add a pomagranate to last night's tally.

Let's start today with another skipped breakfast, and then a 5 oz. piece of steak, and an english muffin (damnit, those things are good) with roasted peppers. Another pomagranate (God, I hope I am spelling that correctly) to cap off lunch (about to happen).

I might take out the arc with Noah in a little bit and get my coffee. I was supposed to possibly meet my friend Noel for coffee, but the day got past me as I am not used to being off from work!

Food for Thought

OBJZS. The food update. This is going to spike readership.

Lemme see. Breakfast blown off. Early lunch (11:24 am) was the remaining lean chicken with zucchini and onions. To make up for the missed breakfast, it was time for some of mom's famous eggplant parm, a couple of healthy wedges' worth. Oooh fah. Let's not forget the english muffin, too. At least it was plain. Those things are so damned good, though, especially if you have not had then for a long while.

After lunch I ate a bosc pear and an apple.

It think I did not eat thereafter for a while, then it was a late-afternoon trip to the doc (everything's copasetic). Then we stopped at Wild Noodles, and I scored the thai noodles with chicken and broccoli. I also are a small piece of focaccia break with a scoop of sauce. This happened at the unusually early eating hour of 5:45.

Later on, I had a nice compliment of green grapes, then pushed across the evening visit with the peanut gallery (more than a handful) while watching The Amazing Race. The annoying yet somehow loveable New York family remained alive.

For the day, I had a couple of glasses of diet green iced tea (the Arizona kind) and the usual large Dunkin' Donuts decaf french vanilla with skim, very light.

I just had to get up a second ago and look in the fridge to see if I missed something I ate. I might have to chart this thing a little more closely so I am not sitting here trying to recount it and thus miss some important things, like eating 20 cookies or wicked sugar-loaded crapola.

I might have some final freedom the next couple of days, thanks to getting some work done. I am dying to work out, and I might do just that. Anything that makes my pants fit better, my blood pressure and cholesterol go down and my thyroid production and metabolish up, that's gotta be good.

Not much of a further comment on the post-Yankees fallout. I guess I have so much other crap on my mind and was not expecting then to win in the first round that there is some perspective on it. Nice entertainment, helps me sometimes get a supplemental paycheck, but does not change my life in the grand scheme of things.

Maybe one quick comment/thought: Stop the freakin' A-Rod bashing. My goodness, the guy was off for five games with his bat, and everyone is lopping this whole loss on him. Whatever happened to, "We win as a team, we lose as a team"? They lost, and they're a team. He is one guy. His defense was good, with one big mistake. But in five games they had enough chances to win that he could not take the full brunt of the blame. If he was not "on" then his boys should have picked him up. End of story.

Maybe if they had managed to win the series, A-Rod would have dismantled the White Sox by himself and Jeter would have struggled. Even my father thinks A-Rod is overrated. I do not. I do not think there is a better player in the game. Maybe there are some who are as good or as valuable, but no one better. People used to lop the same crap on John Elway.

That's all it is: crap. Glad I did not eat much of it today.

Grapes - Sour and Otherwise

Finished off the night with half a piece of chicken and some onions/zucchini, three pieces of sushi and some fried rice (with only egg and nothing else in it), plus a couple of piece of steamed broccoli for dinner.

Afterward, popped some grapes and peanuts while the Angels popped the Yankees out of the damned playoffs. Thanks to home plate umpire Joe West, the Yankees can go into the offseason knowing they were severly victimized by one of the worst and misguided calls I have ever seen.

Maybe those grapes I ate were sour. Now that the Yanks are done, it's Go Devils, Go Giants, Go Nets until springtime.

Trying to feel out the day's menu. I can say this: Knowing I have to post the results here made me curb things late-night last night. Maybe there is something to this after all. To steal a though from VanishingJames, "Thanks for being there, Internet."

And counting...

Rarely can one make such a statement:

I am going to become a father sometime in the next 17 days. Not just that, but three in my first shot.

It's coming, and it's down to less than three weeks, which seems surreal. This whole thing seems surreal, in fact. Yet at the same time, it seems just right. Seems like it was supposed to happen this way. That we can put a finger on it and narrow it down to only a scant few days? That's downright insane.

We have been trying to expect the unexpected, to foresee the unforeseen. And what we did not see was the possibility that this thing would be going the distance. Not even remotely. And now that it's in sight, we almost cannot see it going any other way.

Three babies? Are we ready? We'll never be ready. And yet we'll never be more ready.

People commonly ask how we can do it, or how we're going to be able to do it. I think the trick is the more you think about it, realize what is coming, the worse off you are. I really do not think about the overwhelming parts too much, save for the fact I realize I am going to be overwhelmed, tired, clueless, nervous and all those other things.

Consequently, I have not allowed myself to think too much about the wonderful things that come along with this whole deal - three times the work, but three times the love. Three times the responsibility, but three times the payoff. Everything will cost three times as much, but give me three times the experience.

All at once.

It's all in sight right now. Scary, yet calming. Like getting ready for the biggest test you know you will ever take in your life. Yes, the test is scheduled for 17 days from now, but you have to be ready, because the proctor can call you anytime before. And the proctor could have called pretty much anytime since August, and you would have to be ready for a different test.

The kids? I think and hope they'll be fine, although you never know what you have until you have it. I might be a little more worried about myself. I have not done the best job of taking care of myself while caring for the mamma of those babies. If I can't take care of myself in that situation, then how am I going to do it when there are three little ones around?

My friend Brooke told me a while back that she had success with a food diary. I love the idea, and for some reason I never did one. I forced myself onto the blog world, trying to take that first little step, figuring I could, maybe, somehow, turn this blog into a food diary. Track the workings. Feel some responsibility to anyone who might read this to keep on the straight and narrow, because I have not been feeling enough of the guilt, or responsibility or will power or whatever I need to feel to halt me from buying that ice cream and then having it late at night while I am trying to work on my freelance projects.

So, today for breakfast I had two eggs, with two pieces of Ezekiel bread with part-skim mozzarella.

For lunch it was 1 1/2 pieces of chicken breast with onion and zucchini, cooked with olive oil and seasoned with salt and pepper. The plan is to eat the rest for dinner. That would amount to two zucchini, two white onions and three lean chicken breasts.

Then I sneaked in a cup of Edy's chocolate chips (they spell it C-H-I-P-S, not singular). The full-fat dealio. That has been the evil. I buy it when it's on sale, initially under the guise that it's for the pregnant lady, who only wants soft-serve these days. It's a big lie to myself. The freakin' slow-churned is better, anyhow.

I also managed to eat a bosc pear in there somewhere. There is a pomegranate in my future tonight, as well. I think. There is no ice cream left in the house.

Oh wait, I also had my Dunkin' Donuts large french vanilla decaf with skim, very light.

Wow. When you put it down in print (electronic or otherwise) you can see how much it is. No wonder I am fat. Without working out, I already have eaten enough today to keep alive an African village for about 20 weeks.

OK, I am out there now, exposed for the food fraud I really am. Time to go eat.

Lance Won

Lance won.

He closed out his career with eight straight high-profile victories: One over cancer, and seven over the field in Le Tour de France.

Go Lance. U rock. I'mOut.

The Steal Sign

I have stooped to stealing from another blog, without permission, to fill this space.

But it's Vanishing James, so no biggie. Right?

I took the title and first few mini-paragraphs from his most recent post, went to the Babelfish web translator, plugged in the words, translated them to Russian, then went from Russian back to English.

This is not a joke, and I had no clue it would end up this way. I swear. This is what came out:

"Gear here.... Alrighty! Mho erect MG15CD and my PODxt shown upward today."

It makes it sound like he was doing "The Penis Monologues" or something, right? His Mho is erect and the PODtx is shown upward today. Freakin' stealth perv. I have this guy all figured out.

Gotta go watch the last 2 1/2 innings of Yankees-Angels now.

Go Lance! I'mOut.

Difficulties with YES

The YES Network had some technical difficulties with its picture as the Yankees closed out the Rangers tonight.

It kind of brought me back to the days when it was commonplace to see a still picture on TV and every 30 seconds or so hear that guy's voice:

"We are experiencing operating difficulties. Please stand by."

The Yankees' victory moved them into first place, alone, for the first time since the very beginning of the season. It's amazing how many pitching injuries and overall underperformances they have needed to make themselves and underdog. But they are.

In a completely unrelated subject, I think the only reason I am posting was because I wanted to type Claude Lemieux's name. Claude Lemieux. There, I did it.

I thought about making his name a single post. But I got a little excited with the Yankees and the YES operating difficulties and I just caught up on Vanishing James and the wife sacked out and I just started typing.

Speaking of Vanishing James, the dude can really write. Like all of us -- but in a unique way -- he has a lot on his mind. VJ is mad (miffed?) at me right now because I have gone hiking with my brother-in-law without telling him. What he does not know is that I actually went three times over the last two weekends. It's a secret. SHHHHH!!!

Frank Viola. *17. If the Monarch is reading this, he is laughing hysterically right now.

Speaking of the whole hiking thing, I have been using it as part of the regimen en route to getting back into some kind of shape. I hiked the "Tiki Run" on Sunday in the rain and heat. The "Tiki Run" is this run in the mountains that Tiki Barber does to increase his fitness level. While I did not run it, I made it through with no problem, save for the mosquitos that literally swarmed me numberous times.

The hike we did goes from about 200 feet elevation to over 1,100 feet, which is not bad for New Jersey. Ayers Rock in the Australian Outback clocks in at around 1,043 feet, and I climbed (hiked) that in 1996. This was a lot different.

YES, I did not experience any operating difficulties. I'mOut.

Who Loves You, Jane?

Hey Jane, Gerard loves you. December 28, 2004 apparently will be a day that will be remembered forever.

Gerard is my 15-year-old nephew and Jane is his girlfriend. She is an older woman for him, although he is so much bigger than she that he looks like the one robbing the cradle.

The pair are so in love (or at least he with her), that when I IM him and he is away, the following message appears: "jane i love u so0o much babe* 12.28.04 - 4everr"

I swear he is a very intelligent kid, even though it seems he has little in the way of spelling skills.

What this all means is that he is becoming a man now. I'll only have my ShopRite buddy around for a few more years, then I'll have to rely on others to take his place or (dread the thought) actually go to the food store alone (ughhh! - are you getting the hives, like I am?).

I finally made it back to pilates today. I figured it had been more than a month since the last time I was there, since my friend, Brooke (the instructor), told me her birthday was June 6, and I knew I had not wished her a happy birthday. That means I have not been working out nearly as much as I should.

Rather than watching the diet and getting into a good fitness routine, it seems the route I have taken has been to periodically complain about my inertia via this blog.

Thanks for listening.

Nutrition problems can work in myriad ways. Most of the time (like me) we eat way too much. Sometimes we eat the right amount of stuff, but not the right stuff. Sometimes we eat too little, and other times we just do not have the right idea what we're doing.

It can cause all sorts of different problems, but the one that seems to tie them together is unhappiness. When we have these issues -- long term or short term, it makes us feel worse about ourselves.

I do not think it's superficial. I think it has to do with the way the body chemistry is working in response to the nutrition.

That being said, I cannot seem to keep myself on the wagon forever. I am always looking for the next thing. I can hang my hat on the fact that I have done well with some plans in the past. The 8-Week Cholesterol Cure was tremendous, as was the South Bech Diet. Live Right 4 Your Type made the most sense of all, but I just could never get on a roll with it.

I recently looked for a new version of The 8-Week Cholesterol Cure, but the update came out in 2001. I was really looking for something that has come out more recently.

Damnit, I need to get this part right, and then get into shape and feel good. Like Gerard does. And he loves Jane.

The Fourth

July 4th was cool.

We went to the local parade and the sirens from the many, many rescue-type vehicles scared the bejesus out of my unborn children.

We had a nice visit with my father-in-law, who has a broken foot but has lost the cast and is feeling much better.

Our neighbors, who we sat with at the parade, invited us over for an afternoon barbecue, but first my buddy, Ray, stopped by and we went to the beer garden and I saw my friend Paul, his wife and dad, and my friend and former colleague, Nick.

I was away for about an hour and 45 minutes while the wife sacked out. I got home, Ray hung for a while, and then I booted him out so we could go to our neighbors' house to feed the pregnant lady.

What a spread! The Italian was being spoken, the kids were in the mini-pool, and there was food all over the place. I even had a couple more beers, which was nice, since I only had to walk about 13 feet to get home.

Got back home, took a nap, took out the garbage, then did Six Feet Under. ("Hiilariously funny. The feel-good hit of the summer." That's what they're saying about Six Feet Under.)

Jumped around and caught AI and Jermaine O'Neal getting Punk'd, then took on The Andy Milonakis Show. Andy is, I believe, the former Man Show Kid. He is, at times, side-splittingly funny and at other times sorta stupid and stale. But I am tuning in every week, especially until Da Ali G Show season three commences.

Also, it should be noted that Surreal Life 5 is supposed to start Sunday night.

Giambi: Two homers, both off lefties. Nice.

I'm out.

Bunny

If I was a rabbit, I would have no arms. But I would still be able to swim, I think.

It's nice to be human. I do not think I want to be a rabbit. At least not right now.